For the longest time, I had been stuck. My early 20s was literally an analogy of being stuck. I was stuck in the very tiny, dark, narrow tunnel in between me realising who I am as a person and figuring out a way to get there.
First of all, I had to get into the tunnel. It was a very long and hard process. There was a lot I had to let go of; my childhood imaginations and teachings, those had to go. I had to unlearn and squeeze out all that the sponge – which is my psyche – had collected. As well as, drain out the unnecessary, irrelevant ridiculousness, I wrongly assumed was my truth.
I had finally gotten into the tunnel with no knowledge of how to move forward. There were many missteps along the way. Some movements were too fast and hard without long-term thoughts. This ended with me being ricocheted back to the start in a very painful fall.
Then came the turmoil and tears and heartbreak; the sad realisation that there was no one to help me push through. Whether that was because I couldn’t ask for help or because no one noticed I needed help in the first place. Maybe they knew I needed help, but they didn’t know how to help or I probably wasn’t receiving the help properly.
Years went by and time passed by, I had discovered more truths and realised who I am as a person. That’s the funny thing about isolation, I was drowning in despair and depression, but there were no distractions pulling me away. I just had me, myself and I, and it was glorious.
Now I’m ready. I see it finally, the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to be brave enough and strong enough to get there on my own.
To do that, I have developed a schedule; something to do every day. A purpose, if you may. One I intend to follow religiously.
I’m a creative free spirit, one that was caged my whole life, and who is now ready to break free. How can I be 24 years old and not have done anything remotely fun? Like I’m just sitting down, waiting to die. I am young and devoid of responsibilities, why am I not acting like it?
I have to stop existing for others and start living for myself.
It is scary, oh so unbelievably scary. At this point, I remember my favourite quote as a teenager, from one of my all-time favourite films; “the princess diaries”
Courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that there is something more important than fear. It is the presence of fear with the will to live.
I hope this works. Even if it doesn’t, I hope I am strong enough to dust off, pick myself up and try something else.
